A Walk Down Memory Loss
by Alextraordinary
Summary: All that Kate Beckett concealed inside her heart is shot open and as she is externally taken care of by the frantic writer and beloved friends, internally she relives the presence of people who no longer live themselves.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One:**

Like a steady beat, she felt life fill into her body and air fill into her lungs. A suffocating weight laid over every inch of her being and as she slowly opened her eyes to focus out the foggy surroundings, Kate Beckett was taken aback to discover that her sight was not compromised at all. She felt a weak tightening of her hand and another rush of air fill into her lungs, yet when she realized that it was not Richard Castle, the man who had just confessed his love for her, when Kate saw that it was not him nor any human being standing sympathetically over her numb body but the blinding fog she had mistaken for her sight, she suddenly remembered what had happened. She remembered the immediate pain that wrapped over her broken heart so cruelly and she remembered the sight of a transparent tear as it rolled down the face of the man she loved.

Kate slowly lifted her head and stared further into the fog that engulfed the once panicked cemetery. She tried to squint her eyes for a better look, but the remaining strength she felt in her bones she used to wipe the tingling tear that had now made its way to her jaw. If anyone had been there to see her wipe it with her hand that was covered in a white glove, they would've thought it was effortlessly done. However, Kate did not have the mind of an ignorant spectator. She knew what it meant. The numbness, the cold she could feel on her own skin, the struggle to breathe, as she slowly sat up and placed her forearms to rest on her bended knees, she knew what had happened. With a deep exhale, though Kate didn't have the satisfying feeling of allowing carbon dioxide to leave her chest, she firmly placed her hand on the dewed grass and pushed herself to stand up. She frustratedly chuckled at her own arrogance, and brought her other arm to assist in bringing up her numb body on weakened legs. It felt as if she was dead-lifting the ground and her arms lightly trembling until she opened her eyes to see that the weakness had lowered to the muscles in her legs. She held her head back to give herself the biggest breath she thought she could muster, and her hazel eyes widened at the sky. It was dark and the bright sun and its almost uncomfortable heat had so quickly left that she wondered if she had been unconscious for decades. The blanket of fog wrapped around everything she could see, only leaving a faint outline of the tombstones that stood firm like the very soldiers who sacrificed their lives to earn their bittersweet honor.

Kate lowered her head and yet another thing caught her by surprise. She didn't dare to get on her knees for a closer look, because even though a part of her felt mortified, her professionally engineered mind could understand. It was as obviously seen as the darkened sky. There lay, in the middle of the damp, lush grass, a pool of blood that had crept into the comforts of the ground.

"It's mine." She barely heard herself say and suddenly tears ran to the edge of her eyes. "Please, I can't be. No. I can't. Not _yet_. I never got to tell him..."

As she felt the heavy tears fall down her cold face, she quickly clutched the place in which the bullet pierced.

"This can't be enough. No." Her voice now growing in strength with every word. "This bullet cannot be enough. It's just a tiny piece of metal, it may place a hole in my heart but it can't change what I feel. I needed-I _need _to live long enough to...I just...I can't lose him like I lost-"

"Heya, kid." A hoarse voice broke through her concentrated thought. "I never thought I'd see ya' here and frankly, I wish you were just a ghost."

Her eyes widened and she couldn't bring herself to actually search for the man she last saw dead. She clutched the bullet wound tighter and she tried to hold onto every breath that mysteriously entered her chest.

"Royce?" She whispered, afraid that if she spoke any louder his illusion would vanish.

Heavy footsteps made their way through the blinding fog until soon a shadow came closer and closer. The shadow outstretched their arms and the same hoarse voice illuminated a chuckle to her ears.

"Mike, is that you?" She stood as still as she could hold herself and soon the pain of her standing soon vanished. There was a light breeze that now flourished on her skin and she could almost make out the figure's familiar features.

"Kate, you don't belong here. I deserved this ending but you, you deserve an ending that doesn't seal who you are because who you are can never be sealed. You don't belong here, Kate. This isn't your ending."

In the moment she thought she saw the smile that had become her release, she lightly shook her head and ran towards him and suddenly she remembered all the times she had run to Royce before. It seemed he was always the one who understand, even when he didn't. He was her backbone, her hidden strength, the invincible superhero she aspired to even be affiliated with. Kate wrapped her arms around him and before she could feel the firmness of his torso and the scent of his clothes, she immediately felt the firmness of her own arms wrapping around her. Quickly she opened her eyes to see that the faded figure of her first love had vanished through her arms and she knew that she was standing alone again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: **

Echoing sobs branched through the lifeless tombstones and through the blinding fog as Kate Beckett stood alone holding herself. Tears ran down her face and quickly slid off her chin down into the grass and her shaking breath sifted through the small gap of her mouth. She closed her eyes as hard as she could in an attempt to bore away the faded image of Mike Royce, the nightmare that preyed on her and vanished. There was an optimistic thought amongst all the turmoil in her mind. She was grateful for the moment she told him how she felt and as soon as she swallowed that thought, the bitter taste of the feelings she had not yet confessed for the man who, unbeknownst to her, was at that moment trying to continue CPR through his angered cry as her blood pressure erratically dropped and flat-lined with the ambulance racing down the street to nearest hospital.

But in the moment, Kate was trapped in her own mind and she held the bullet wound that had now started to bleed through her fingers. She lifted the trembling hand up to her face and saw that the blood was not any shade of red, but the darkest of black. The wound began to throb and suddenly there was a pounding sound that shook the cemetery and knocked her down to her knees. She let out a cry of pain as the blood began to pour through her jacket and into the ground and the shaking was now accompanied by the sound of a distorted echo. Her tied up hair quickly became loose and fell on her shoulders and for a moment she thought she heard the faintest whisper of someone calling her name. After what seemed like forever, the violent trembling of the ground ceased and she felt an unknown strength within her bones, pulling her effortlessly to her feet again. With a deep exhale, Kate clutched the bleeding wound again and began to walk through the fog. She wouldn't have admitted it, but she didn't have the slightest idea of where she was going or who she was looking for, but she wasn't going to allow technicalities stop her. Her skin lightly tingled with the cold mist and parts of her hair had gotten stuck in the blood, but with the determined spark in her eye, she could still feel alive.

Suddenly there was a rustle behind one of the approaching tombstones, and involuntarily she reached for her gun that was normally kept in the holster that was tied to her side. When her hand gripped around free air, she almost smiled at the habit that had formed despite the fact that she hadn't felt the gun there in the first place. And in an instant she recalled the moment where she had looked at the gun and decided that it would be best to leave it behind. She felt some sort of remorse for aiming it at her beloved Captain and couldn't bring herself to bring to his funeral without the uncomfortable thought of how she almost pulled the trigger on him.

Running footsteps awoke her from her thoughts and she quickly caught the blurred sight of a small child hiding behind another tombstone.

"Hello?" Kate said hesitantly, not knowing whether she should use her "cop" voice or her kind voice. "Is someone there?"

A light gasp came through the fog and soon it became silent again.

"I'm not going to hurt you." She said as she slowly knelt down. "It's all right, I'm a cop. I can help you. Please come out."

"You can't help me." said a timid voice.

Kate slowly held out her hand to where the voice was coming from and smiled weakly.

"Please come out." She said again.

A small hand crept around the front of the tombstone and the face of a child emerged from the shadows. Kate smiled again as the child's brown eyes stared curiously at her and she outstretched her arm further to grab his.

"What's your name?" She gently pulled the kid towards her and held both of his hands.

The boy was silent and Kate started to have a strange feeling in her gut about him. There was an odd itch in the back of her mind when she looked at his small face and saw his big, brown eyes. Familiar. Or was it? No, it was. Yet...she couldn't really decide.

"What's wrong? Are you hurt?" Kate carefully brushed the boy's hair out of his face and noticed a small scar across his left cheek.

"You're a liar, ain't cha'?" The boy finally said in a quiet voice. "You said you would save me, but you didn't. You lied."

"What do you-"

Immediately, Kate's eyes widened and she finally recognized the boy's face and why his presence had left an eery feeling in the pit of her stomach. She nervously swallowed and felt the scratches of her dry throat and the throbbing of the wound intensified.

"Jackson Crudup.." She lightly whispered as tears ran to her eyes. "I-"

"You just said you'd save me, but it's your fault I'm here." He spoke in a monotone voice.

The tears fell down her face and slowly she let go of him as his blank expression turned into a subtle, angered stare.

"My mommy killed herself because you didn't to save me from that bad man."

"I'm so sorry, Jackson. I know there's nothing I can say, but I'm so, so sorry." Her voice trembled as she tried to stop herself from crying.

The boy's blank expression quickly returned and she pulled him close and hugged him as tight as she could.

"I'm so_ sorry_."


End file.
